An update

Here is a brief update: I am well :)

Sometimes people make mistakes...

and regret does nothing to solve the issue. I am having a bad today. I do have some great tales to share but to not have the heart to share them right now. I am feeling very depressed, and the only thing that comes to mind are some lyrics that summarise how I feel. I am sure I'll have better days. I need to keep walking but am lacking the positivity to keep walking right now. I'll get those legs pumping again but for now I am in a finding it diifcult to get the motivation to keep on walking. This will be temporary, I will get through this, but it doesn't detract from how I feel right now. So I'll let Mariah Carey say it for me, with her song 'We Belong Together':

(Ooh, ooh, sweet love, yeah)

I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you, so
I should have held on tight
I never shoulda let you go
I didn't know nothing
I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I could not fathom that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself
Cause I didn't know you
Cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt

The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, cause baby
(We belong together)

[chorus]
When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby, please
Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon' lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
Oh, baby baby, we belong together

I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Saying to me
"If you think you're lonely now"
Wait a minute
This is too deep (too deep)
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart

I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things, crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
It ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life, baby

[chorus]
When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby, please
Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon' lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
Oh, baby baby, we belong together, baby

[chorus]
When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby, please
Cause we belong together

Who am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
Oh baby, baby
We belong together

I'll keep on walking, but for now I am finding it very difficult to even take a first step.

I Can Resist Anything But Temptation

Greetings fellow travellers (both literal and metaphorical)!

I wrote and sent this today as an email to my dearest friend who is currently travelling and working in the UK. So if it does not read easily, or make sense in certain parts, that is because it is a first draft, written just as I awoke, attempting to write to two audiences simultaneously; an individual and 'the masses' (i.e the 3 or 4 people out there who do not know me personally but read this blog).

Once again I shall relate to you a dream (haha mistyped it then as 'cream') that I had, an no this one was not sexual. I do so partly as a means of sharing myself, and partly because this is a great way to write (via email) it down to permanently record it. This will go upon my blog so please do not be offended if it is written as if for 'the masses' in some parts. You are the first that I share this with, and it is still written 'to you', with a few explanations for those who do not know me as well as you do :)

As per usual I cannot remember the order of events, and the longer I am awake the more the dream fades back into my unconcious. As per usual, my reality and fantasy, or conscious and unsconcious meld together in my dream.

The first scene of the dream is of Guy and I arriving ar Crow's Nest train station, about to embark upon an epic adventure together. During our conversation last night (and prior to that on the phone), Guy said that next time I go on a long walk, he would like to come on the journey with me. I would love the company, especially considering that one of the most difficult parts of the last journey was the feeling of being alone, even though I did not go more than a single day without human contact. I have always enjoying walking and talking with friends and even strangers. And you know Guy and I, both of us have mouths on us that require no winding up, they are solar-powered and operate at a very high velocity.

Back to the dream: we arrive at Crow's Nest station, large packs strapped to our backs, hiking boots strapped to our feet and an excited feeling strapped to our minds. However this is not the Crow's Nest that I often frequented in North Sydney. This Crow's Next reminds me of south coast of NSW, similar to areas that I walked
through. Interestingly I only just realised that Guy and I met at North Sydney TAFE (college) in St Leonards, which is right next to Crow's Nest (where I also worked for a year as a Market Research Aggravator, erm Telephonist). I told ya, I'm always followed by or following crows!

The sun is shining brightly, the sea breeze is tickling our faces (even though we aren't in the immediate vicinity of the beach) and thus begins our grand adventure. I experienced an intense feeling of elation as I was finally walking again, and this time I had a companion to adventure with!. It wasn't long before we stopped off at
pub, as I often did in my previous journey, as it is a great place to meet people and to share stories.

Now last night when Guy and I went to a pub, the Landsdown near the University of Sydney, he drank beer and I drank orange juice and ended with one Red Bull. It was my first experience of entering a pub since my (new) last day of drinking and smoking, July 4th 2005. Coincidentally that is also the day of my grandmother's passing on my mum's side (pretty sure that's what you said wasn't it mum?). I did
not feel tempted in the slightest to drink or smoke, and I am glad of the new non-smoking rule in pubs here, although secondary smoke from some unknown source was irritating my throat. Coincidentally again, July 4th was the day they changed the smoking regulations in pubs here (besides being 'Indepenence Day' in US; a discourse I shall not engage with at this point in time, suffice as to say such a celebration
perplexes me as much as our 'Australia Day' given the history of indigenous relations with both countries).

The pub experience in the dream is a little hazy, but I do remember that I was drinking in it, and was very conscious of trying not to smoke, although the temptation increased with each drink. At some stage during in the night, I met a guy in the gents (bathroom for international readers) who gave me some ecstacy. Now I haven't touched the stuff in five years, but in the dream I thought it a grand idea, even though a muted part of me was saying 'Don't do it Blake!'. The pervading thought of the night was 'It doesn't matter what I do, as long as I don't smoke', which I am sure I did at some stage but do not distinctly remember doing so. When I did chemical drugs all those years ago, I would smoke upwards of 60 cigarettes in a night!

The dream does what I call a 'dream loop'. A dream loop is where a scene in a dream reoccurs, however it often has subtle differences each time it loops (there is probably some fancy psychology term out there, perhaps something Jung created; my unlearned and poorly read sponge has yet to soak in the 'official' term if there is one).

I arrive at Crow's Nest station once again, however this time I am 'off my face' (i.e. drunk and drugged) and alone. I cannot remember where Guy and I are meant to be staying that night, and once again I have lost my way, in both a metaphorical and literal sense. I stumble about, trying to ask people for directions, and am very confused in the dream. My throat itches like crazy and I keep thinking to myself
'Have I had a cigarette?' The fact that I am 'off my tits' doesn't seem to be an issue to me at this stage of the dream. I am certain that this part, or in fact almost the entirety of the dream, relates to the conversation Guy and I had last night. It was the first time we'd seen each other in three years and we were discussing our next meeting, which will be on the 27/28th of August when I will be in
Sydney looking after mum's cats. It is also when I am likely to catch up with my best friends from high school, Glenn and Westie. The combined influence of three good friends who will all be drinking, and most likely smoking will certain to tempt me to the Dark Side, but rest assured 'The Force is strong with this one.' *grins*

After a little more stumbling (in the dream that is), I entered some sort of halfway house for street kids. To my surprise I see Angie and she is looking happy and healthy. Angie was a young girl I met in a pub when I was 19, and ended up spending two years of my life with, predominately arguing. She was three years younger than me, with little formal education but was intelligent, and we shared drinking, drugs, arguments, a couple of cats and even the occasional good time. I still feel a lot of guilt for the way I treated her. We were both often nasty to each other, and at times cared little for each other, ourselves or anyone else. I believe after we parted ways, she ended up meeting someone and having three children. Hopefully her world has brightened a little since we parted company.

Angie's and my conversation is interruped by me getting 'in trouble'. One of the women who runs the home, a middle-aged matronly type comes in with a little green form with a blue stamp on it saying 'Banned from the home' for not being in by 6pm. As a rebellious turd, erm I mean teenager, my 'home time' set by my mum was 6pm, at least in early high school. Well it was actually 'by dark' which in the summer
months I meant I would often stay out till 9pm, and in the winter months (when it would get dark at 5pm) I would push it to the limits. My mum and I had many confrontations about 'home time'. She was a concerned parent and I wanted to socialise with friends. The lateness and little green form will have to be explained another time in the Tale of Toby.

Throughout both exchanges (with Angie and the 'matron') I am trying to obfuscate the fact that I am under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Somehow I manage to be successful in this endeavour, and end up sitting down and talking to the three women who run the home. I am being very chatty (how unlike me :P) and regale gradiose tales of my walking adventures. I also mention that I am lost but they cannot offer any help in that regard, and I am still banned from the home and have to leave, almost reluctantly, but I realise that I do not belong there anyway. As per usual with my drug dreams (cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, chemical drugs) a sense of guilt permeates the entire dream. I have heard that this is very common with 'reformed'
druggies.

Onwards I push, walking in circles, getting frustrated and confused as I cannot find the place Guy and I are meant to be staying at. I keep thinking to myself 'If only I had a map' I would recognise the location of it; 'If only I could remember the street name' I could ask someone for directions. The dream loops again and I am at Crow's Nest station once more, and this time my mind is a little less intoxicated, and I see a map plastered to one of walls of the station! Relief swiftly transforms into dismay as I realise that the map does not have street names on it. Still I recognise the pattern of streets and have a general idea of the location of the night's rest stop.

Night has almost passed, and I bump into two girls headed in the same direction. Both also have packs on their backs and hiking boots on, and exude that same air of elation that Guy and I shared upon first arriving at Crow's Nest station. One girl is rather pretty and very chatty whereas the other is almost the complete obverse, quiet and non-descript. The pretty girl and I get along like a house on fire, and there is definitely a spark there. However I think to myself that my heart lays elsewhere, and that I shall not make the mistake that I have made many times in the past, and that is to 'fall in love' with people who could be potentially great friends. The 'romance' has ruined many a potential good friendship for me, and likewise marred relationships I have been in at the time; perhaps I grew up watching
too many episodes of Days of Our Lives with my grandfather :P

As with most of my dreams, they most often end suddenly with a conglomeration of events as the three of us reach the pinnacle of the steep hill we are climbing. The morning sun is shining brightly, almost blindingly down upon us. I hear my mate Glenn (yeah not Guy, he seems to have vanished) yell out 'Oi Blake, where the fuck have you been for the past 2 days?' and turn to see him and a few other blokes I don't recognise lazing about, shirtless and soaking up the sun, surrounded by cases of beer and empty tinnies next to a red brick house, contrasted by a typical 'Australian' backyard consisting of mat of green carpet decorated by a lone Hill's Hoist (clothesline). Music is coming from within the house, and it is Dashboard Confessional's 'Age Six Racer':

So long, sweet Summer
I stumbled upon you
And gratefully
Basked in your rays
So long, sweet Summer
I fell into you
Now you gracefully fallen away

I turn to the girls I have been travelling with for an indeterminate period of time, and realise that we must part ways for now, and that I will miss the chatty pretty one. We vow to keep in contact, and swap contact details, both laughing and saying that 'online in the best way to contact me, since I'm always on the move'. I distinctly remember being confused as she went to write down her name and started to write 'Samantha', and then crossed it out and wrote 'Kym Powell'. To my knowledge, I do not know any Kym Powell, and that is the way of dreams and representation; she was a fellow traveller whose path I crossed with briefly in my unconscious, whom I was sad to say 'farewell for now' but nonetheless enjoyed her company during part of my journey through life.

Well that is enough verbosity for one morning, I have wood to split
and much to do!

Keep on walking...

And whilst I mourn,,,

the loss of one this day, I cannot fathom the loss and grief that has occured with the use of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima 60 years ago, also on this very day (6th Aug).

Time flies...in memoriam

It certainly has been a long time since I have posted here, but rest assured updates are on the way. I am still amazed that people stumble upon this blog and send me well wishes.

I shall write soon, but tomorrow, the 6th August is a time of sorrow for me. It marks the passing of my best friend and cat Lucy. I still can't believe that is has been three years. I try to remember the good times, but still cannot shake the final image of her eyes turning totally black as she was given an injection to end her suffering. She had a brain tumour, and for three months I cared for her and watched her go downhill until I had to make the most difficult decision of my life, and that was to decide that her time was up. I still feel so much guilt for doing so, even though it was the 'right' decision.

Once she passed on, a part of me died with her. I broke down completely and needed to be cared for by others, as I could not care for myself. Ness and Win, thank you for caring about me enough to keep me alive until I could care for myself again.

Is this deeply personal? Yes. Why do I feel the need to share? Because perhaps others who ever read these words and are feeling like there is no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel of depression; there is. And yes I move in circles, chasing my own tail, falling into the same hole (great analogy Tony!), but each time there is enough love out there to help me to remember that life is a precious and wonderful thing. I shall keep on walking...

Lucy, my dear friend and lovely blue Burmese (sorry no pics online to share yet), I love you dearly and miss you terribly and remember you fondly. The pain fades but the memories remain; you were there for me when I had no other, and if there is an afterlife, I'll see you there in a long time. You will always be a part of me.

Lucy
Born 7th April, 1990
Passed on 6th August 2002

I shall balance this post with something more positive in the next few days, for I have much to share :)

I should be crying
But I just can't let it show
I should be hoping
But I can't stop thinking
All the things I should've said
That I never said
All the things we should of done
That we never did
All the things I should've given
But I didn't
Oh darling make it go
Make it go away
Give me these moments back
Give them back to me
Give that little kiss
Give me your hand

- This Woman's Work, Kate Bush
>

Love has wings

Much time has passed and I haven't updated my web journal. The journey has continued, as it always will regardless of whether I record the tale. Where to begin?

The journey I undertook from Albion Park to Eden was intended to be a physical, mental and spiritual journey upon which I would meet many people and share and hear tales of Truth, Love and Courage. That goal was well and truly achieved, as I met many amazing people and heard some great stories. I have written about them in my offline journal, and fully intend to meet with them all again and record their tales more verbosely. However there was one part of the journey, which whilst a driving force in the beginning, became *the* driving force by the end. And that was the romance aspect of the journey.

As I neared the end of my journey, it was the thoughts of meeting my love on the other side of the world that gave me the strength to continue. The journey was very painful, but thinking of her smiling face, and picturing that every step I took was one step closer to her, enabled me to keep going beyond physical exhaustion. It was easily the most guelling undertaking of my short life thus far.

During the journey I battled with many inner demons: from my past, my present and my future. I fought doubt and despair, two fears that had bested me in the past. Completing this journey was very important for me in order to prove to myself that I had the strength that I always knew I had, but had rarely tapped into. I was able to keep going , taking one step at a time, regardless of my mental state. That was a big step forward for me. Some day I shall write about depression and how focusing on the negative aspects of life nearly destroyed me. But for now, the journey goes on...

I abandoned my quest for sponsorship and publicity (although I am positive I would have gained sponsorship had I taken that path), and instead shall work a more 'normal' job to fund my journey. I will be going fruitpicking from mid-February until work runs out, and then I shall fly to the US. But I cannot wait that long to see my love; the distance is difficult enough without time wishing to torment us as well. So....

Love has wings, and I am learning to fly. I borrowed enough money to fly to Phoenix. I leave on Wednesday 26th Janurary (Australia day) and leave the US the day after Valentine's Day. I won't be undertaking the walk this trip due to time constraints, but it should be a great opportunity to meet people and get an idea of the lay of the land. More importantly, I shall get to meet my love and will be able to ask her to pinch me to see if I am dreaming.

Thank you to those who have followed the tale thus far. Thank you to those who have supported my journey. Thank you to those who have inspired me. I only hope that I can return the favour and inspire others.

Okay folks, I have to pack! Keep on dreaming! Remember, with our thoughts we make the world!

Home Sweet Home

I returned home yesterday, earlier than I had initially planned as I am very anxious to get the next leg of the journey organised. Being unable to walk much each day has increased my restless state. The blisters on my right foot have healed but my left foot is still strained. Jumping off my bed this evening and twisting my left ankle furthered the idea that perhaps I should be resting and taking it easy. Hopefully I won't need to break my leg to get that message to sink in.

So that leaves me condemned to a few days rest at home. Fortunately I have regular access to the net again so I can get to work on rustling up a corporate sponsor for my US walk. I also have to plan the route taking into account rest stops, restocking food and water and accomodation. I learnt a lot on the Eden walk about long distance walking, and one thing is certain: I shall endeavour to keep my pack as light as possible!

I uploaded another 400 or so photos to the photo gallery, thus completing the pictorial account of the walk from Albion Park to Eden. Actually, it is incomplete still as I have yet to annotate the journey, so it is like reading a pictrure storybook without any story. I haven't even looked at the photos myself yet, and shall do so for the first time as I wade through them and annotate them.

Even after doing that, there is much of the story that still needs to be penned. I have written perhaps 50,000 words in diary entries, notes and emails since October 20th, when I first realised that I needed to travel, and started looking at the world positively for a change. I plan on turning this into a book which will be an account of both the physical, mental and spiritual journey that I have undertaken. It will not only be a story of my journey, but also a collection of stories of those I have met along the way. I intend to go back an interview as many of those that I have met along the way as possible in order to share their tales. Each and every one of them contributed to the success and meaning of my journey in some way; many of them helped to confirm the sneaking suspicion I had that humans are generally good beings.

Farewell for now and safe travels!

First Leg Complete!

I am pleased to say that I made it into Eden today (finally!) safe and sound, thus bringing to a close the first leg of my journey. When I arrived in Eden, I felt like nothing more that a hot shower to ease the pain of my aching muscles, a hot meal and a cuppa, and lo and behold my grandfather was out when I arrived! So I hobbled a kilometre or so to the nearest internet access point.

I shall endeavour to write a lot more when I am able to, but for now I wish to say thank you to everyone so far who has helped me to undertake this journey; it has been a truly amazing journey so far and I am eager to undertake the next leg in the US, even if my legs don't feel like taking another step ever again.

I have met many wonderful people along the way, most of whom I am positive that I shall meet again. I have seen many wonderful sights, most of which I shall probably never see again as I think that the Albion Park to Eden walk will only be done once this lifetime. If I am to walk such distances in future, I would prefer them to be in new environments.

Not sure when I shall get a chance to use the internet again, but until I do, farewell for now .

PS - Happy 88th birthday to my grandfather!